Depression in Solitude

All the articles say the same thing. Go outside, eat right, be around people, exercise. This won’t be the first article you read on the subject of Depression and it likely won’t be the last. Already you might expect the same few ways to “fix” it. Turmeric smoothies, taking st. johns wart, getting a proper amount of sleep. You’ve heard all this before, yes? And yes, those things can work. The smoothies can help, friends do make you feel better, and that walk you took after your big healthy dinner really did the trick.

But did it last? Are you “better?”

What about medication? Did you know that it doesn’t always work? About 30% of people diagnosed with depression are what you call “treatment resistant,” meaning that the meds either have no effect or make it worse. And with today’s economy, therapy sounds more like luxury. Food comes first.

So now what? Peppermint tea? Calls to grandma? Take up a hobby? I say yes to all of that, naturally, or at least the parts that help you. Everyone’s depression is a little bit different because we as people are all a little bit different. Maybe turmeric smoothies don’t work for you, but st. johns wart does. Perhaps grandma is too busy dealing with grandpa right now, but a walk in the park works wonders.

I cannot tell you what will fix your depression. Often times it’s trial and error. Some things work, some things don’t. But what I can do is tell you some things that helped me along the way.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was twelve, and no, the meds don’t work. Every time I try a medication, I start picking out bridges. So not very good for me. Therapy, likewise, is very much a luxury so for the bulk of my life I’ve had to manage it on my own. There have been people to help me, of course. Friends and family members, sometime the occasional coworker who just gets it. But at the end of the day, I am the only one who can make the decision to improve. This is what works for me.

Step 1: Accept it.

Simply put, if you keep denying this is happening, then you will never improve. For instance, if you cut your leg and it’s gushing blood, you don’t say “this is fine,” and ignore it, hoping it will just go away. You accept that your leg needs assistance (likely in a panic because oh my god your leg is bleeding!) then do what you can to make sure it doesn’t fall off. It’s the same with your brain (isn’t that an image). The first step is to acknowledge the problem and understand that this is not going away by sheer will alone. The next is to know that it’s okay. The more you shame yourself, the worse it gets.

2: Learn to notice the waves.

Depression has a pattern. There are ups and downs, moments when things are easier and moments when they suck oh so much. Sometimes you won’t notice it. One day you had a good night sleep and get up with 1% more energy, and therefor do 1% more things. You go to bed feeling 1% better. The next day, you start the day with 2% more energy because yesterday was better so today might be as well. And so on. This kind of stuff snowballs. One good day leads to another, then another. Soon, depression was last week, and you are at the top of a wave.

Careful, what goes up must come down. The signs may be small at first. You may not even notice them until you suddenly have 10% less energy than you did yesterday. Perhaps the feelings of worthlessness sink in. Next day, you have 10% less energy in the morning and getting up is more difficult than moving that box of tissue paper. (Totally valid). This leads into…

3: Understanding your personal signs of low wave depression

I take it out on my environment. One day, I’ll leave my coffee cup on the counter instead of cleaning it because it seems like that extra step is just a bit too much today, so I’ll do it tomorrow. And hey, I’ve been feeling so good recently that it won’t bother me. Only tomorrow comes, I look at the left-out coffee cup and suddenly I have 1% less energy than I did five seconds ago. Its subtle, but they stack on each other 1% at a time until you barely have the energy to get out of bed.

It just becomes too much.

Yours might be different. You might skip a shower one day, but the rest of your day looks fine. Or you might have something sugary for breakfast and think of it as cheating. Suddenly you’re a terrible person for having a muffin instead of an egg. It’s simple, small even, but these things stack. I’ve also noticed that my thoughts play an important role in the state of my depression and the rate of decline. Which leads to…

4: Keeping track of your thoughts.

What are you saying to yourself? How does an action make you feel? After you eat the muffin, what words do you use afterward? How does looking at the left-out coffee cup make you feel? What can you do to make yourself feel better about the coffee cup, or the muffin? If you feel that you need the muffin, ask yourself why. Does it make you feel good? Or, perhaps you are subconsciously using it as a way to go back to the low wave of depression. Our minds are tricky that way. They actually like the deep dark of the low wave. Next time you’re at the bottom, take a look at your thoughts. Do you feel that you deserve to be down here? Why? Always ask why you’re doing things, saying things, eating things, etc. Always ask why. Then listen to the reason. Is it a valid one? Would you hold a friend to the same standard?

If you have trouble with this part, then I recommend adding meditation to your life as often as possible. This will teach you how to “watch” your thoughts and feelings, especially how they move through you. Meditation is a skill, remember, and like all skills it takes time.

5: The Notebook of Good Things.

If you do find yourself at the bottom, something I’ve found that helps me get back out is writing down good things. Try keeping a small journal where you fill one whole page with all the good things you can think of. I usually do this at night before I go to bed. That way the last thing I’m thinking about before I drift off is good shit. Keep it small shit, too. Some of mine are “the sound of wind chimes in the morning.” Or “the smell of fresh hot coffee on a cold day.” Or “Putting my fingers in a bag of lentils.” (don’t judge me, try it). Write down things you like, movies, people, sounds, etc. Nothing is too small to be noticed. If it makes you feel good in any way, write it down.

6: Go Small

There’s a strange sense of validity that’s tied to depression. Like somehow only large things like doing your taxes or finishing your degree are “worthy.” I find that counterproductive. Instead, celebrate the small successes. If, on your worst day, the most you can manage is getting out of bed, then congratulations! Your managed to get out of bed. That’s quite an accomplishment when you barely have the energy to move the box of tissues. Maybe your thing was taking a shower. Guess what! You’re so squeaky-clean right now! Did you go grocery shopping? Wipe down the counters? Do your laundry? Read a book? Go for a walk? Change your clothes? Excellent!

But what if all you did today was cry in bed? Or maybe you did nothing at all. Maybe you couldn’t move at all today. That’s okay. Remember it comes in waves. It will pass in time. Celebrate the fact that you let yourself feel what you needed to feel today, even if that felt like nothing.

Celebrate what you can. Depressed minds often get stuck in those negative ruts, reinforcing the idea that we are terrible, low. Broken. Unable to do anything or accomplish anything worthwhile. For instance, the words that ring in my head sometimes are “waste of space.” What are yours? It might feel silly at first to celebrate taking a shower but give it a try. It might surprise you.

7: You have to feel it.

Emotions are a chemical response triggered by stimuli that is processed in the brain, right? I mean, I’m no scientist but that’s the general idea of it. There’s always a reason why the low wave is triggered. The left-out coffee cup causes my mind to register the space as “unclean.” An unclean space makes me feel lazy. Lazy makes me feel guilty, then the thoughts start: “why can’t I be better? More productive.” Guilt makes my stomach twist. “I’m such a waste of space!” And now, with little effort, I’m in the low point and the wave has consumed me.

Acknowledge how you feel. Don’t shy away from it, let it go through you instead. The hardest part of this is feeling it and withholding judgement. Which leads to…

8: Showing yourself Compassion

Compassion is a skill. Very few are born with innate talent for it and those who are usually are unicorns. The rest of us have to learn how to do it from scratch, especially when it comes to showing it to yourself. It takes time to cultivate. Start small, like everything. If you missed your shower today, show yourself compassion instead of berating yourself for your failings. Remind yourself that you did the best you could today with the energy you had available.

Because being depressed is exhausting. Sometimes you won’t have the energy to do anything. And guess what? That’s okay, too.

9: Find your Anchor

This has been crucial for me and my longevity. It is the one thing that keeps me from vaulting over the bridge or taking an electric bath. An anchor, simply put, is the reason to stay alive. My anchor is my story. My vast, many novels saga that I simply must finish before I die mostly because I want to know how it ends. It wouldn’t feel right to leave before it’s done. That may sound a bit callous. Maybe my anchor should be a person like a partner or child. A friend or family member.

I vote no.

Your anchor should be something unique to yourself, and only yourself. It is not something outside you that give you the will to continue, but something inside that drives you forward. If your anchor is your partner, and that partner decides to break up with you, then your anchor is gone. If your anchor is your child, and that child grows up and no longer needs you as much, your anchor is lessened. You could leave now, and they will be fine. Remember, our minds are tricky. If you can be convinced that the world is better off without you, then it’s easier to pick a bridge.

Instead, ask yourself this: what are you curious about?

Curiosity is humanity’s greatest strength. Think about why we watch shows or read fiction books. We have to know what happens, right? We become curious about what the characters will do and become invested in the journey.

What are you curious about? Do you want to know something? Try something? Become something?

If your immediate response to this is “I’m not curious about anything,” then take a moment to consider where you are in the wave. Curiosity is easier to see at the top of the wave than at the bottom. Take some time, dig deeper inside yourself. Everyone has an unanswered question and usually one question leads to another and another and…

I am no expert on this subject. All I can claim is that these techniques have helped me stay alive this far and might help you as well. If you have techniques that work for you, I’d love to hear all about them. Without medication and therapy, this journey can be very hard. Remember, go small, travel light, and don’t hate yourself for eating the muffin.